34 posts tagged “uncategorized”
The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a casual manner, think about whether you want the "politicians" spending your tax money.
A
billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency
did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of
its releases.
A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E. A billion dollars ago
was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division . .
Louisiana
Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250
BILLION to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number, what does it mean?
a. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516,528.00.
b. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.00.
c. Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets
$2,066,012.00.
Washington, D.C. .... HELLO!!! .. Are all your calculators broken??
This is too true.........And these numbers don't lie.........and, it's not funny!!!
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts…
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter. "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back..."Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is St. Peter. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for them. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a few of days. What d'ya say?"
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
However, two days later... St. Peter got a call.
"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these guys. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."
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One day God was looking down at
earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. So He called one of
His angels to go to
earth for a time. When he returned, he told God,
"Yes, it is bad on
Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are
not" God thought for a
moment and said,
"Maybe I had better send down another angel to get
a second opinion." So God called another
angel and sent him to earth for a
time too. When the angel returned he went to God
and said, "Yes,
it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are
misbehaving, but 5% are being
good." God was not pleased. So He decided to
e-mail the 5 % who were
good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little
something
to help them keep going. Do you know what the
e-mail said?
No?
Okay, just checking with you. I didn't get one either...
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Mexico Drops Out Of Olympics
President Felipe Calderón of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics.
He said that, "Any countryman who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he
saw two Mexican men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to
stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed
you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other
poor man he stated, "You come with us, too."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also
have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to
the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of
us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high
Bill's fans said it was a private affair and none of our business regarding his sex life. I hold a different opinion. He was tarnishing the name of our house, The White House, not his house. If he was still a hillbilly back in Arkansas, I don't give a rat's ass what he does in his house or how many women he had sex with, unless it was by force. We paid his rent in the White House, so I think he owed us the decency to treat it with respect. We should have sent him the bill for the fumigation after he left.
He is so proud of his sexual prowess that he cannot help but smirk when it is mentioned. When he can compete with Wilt Chamberlain, then he can smirk, but not a minute before. Even if it only took 20 minutes to have sex and that is counting the time to undress, perhaps, say hello and 3 minutes for the actual act. He was still doing it on the clock, our clock. Any man so weak as not to control his sexual lusting while President is too weak a person to be President.
We need someone with courage, strength, American values to represent us. Not some bulbous nosed pervert. And now onto his wife, (in name only, for political purposes).
She espouses she is for women's rights. Spare me, Mrs. Bill. You are running on Bill's coattails. Without Bill, you are just another Women's Libber, scorned and mocked by real women and the only comment about you to make the news is about your shrill voice and your huge thighs.
But you are running for President and I have a question for you. How could you not know what was going on with Bill and all his female companions? Everybody else at the White House knew. The Secret Service, the cooks, the maids, the porters, the staff, the dog walker, everyone knew except you. How can that be? How dumb or dim are you? This alone lets me know that you are not smart enough to be President. Alert and aware are not two words used in the same sentence with your name. You allowed yourself to be humiliated over the Monica Lewinsky affair. I don't want a President so easily and readily humiliated. The message you sent to other women is, no matter what, stay with your man, even though he humiliates you in public. In my humble opinion, that is just sick!
Now you talk tough while campaigning, but it is a phony facade. We have seen you in action and it was no action at all. You are not equipped to be President, you do not have the Right Stuff. Please do this country a favor and take your horny husband and go back to Arkansas. Buy a sheep ranch, so Bill can stay busy.
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By FRANK JORDANS, Associated Press Writer
GENEVA - The campaign poster was blatant in its xenophobic symbolism: Three white sheep kicking out a black sheep over a caption that read "for more security." The message was not from a fringe force in Switzerland's political scene but from its largest party.
Under the plan, entire families would be expelled if their children are convicted of a violent crime, drug offenses or benefits fraud.
"We believe that parents are responsible for bringing up their children. If they can't do it properly, they will have to bear the consequences," Ueli Maurer, president of the People's Party, told The Associated Press. The party claims foreigners — who make up about 20 percent of the population — are four times more likely to commit crimes than Swiss nationals. So far, however, there has been little popular backlash against the posters.
"We haven't had any complaints," said Maurer.
Don't you think the world is fed up with no account immigrants that just want a free ride. We are not alone in this struggle. Europe is being overrun with Arabs, mostly Islamists, and the Europeans are becoming very uncomfortable with the Islamists demands. They feel like they are losing their own country, and they are. I am surprised it took them this long to figure it out, but they are socialists, so there you go.
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1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
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2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut
door.
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3. Open door and remove cat from closet.
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4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
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5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
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6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons,
scissors, labels, etc. . .
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7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping
strategy to be formed.
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8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the
drawer since last visit and collect string.
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9. Remove present from bag.
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10. Remove cat from bag.
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11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
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12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
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13. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
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14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
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15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the
paper.
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16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the
present came in.
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17. Place present on paper.
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18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't
reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.
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19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent
sticky tape.
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20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape
from cat with pair of nail scissors.
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21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
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22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve
ribbon.
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23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
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24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's
enthusiastic ribbon chase.
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25. Repeat steps 17-24 until you reach last sheet of paper.
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26. Decide to skip steps 17-21 in order to save time and reduce risk of
losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the
right size for sheet of paper.
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27. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
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28. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
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29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked
room.
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30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to lay out paper
and materials.
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31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and
relock.
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32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear
cat from outside door)
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33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small
area of the toilet, but do your best)
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34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt
through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper.
Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year
as well.
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35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to
make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
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36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with
sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst
areas.
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37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on
completing a difficult job.
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38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
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39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious
conclusion.
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40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
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41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.
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1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. 4, Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." 6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. 7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 10. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams. 11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance. 15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. 16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child. 17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. 18. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." 19. Our next song is "Angles We Have Heard Get High." 20. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help. 21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. |
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Who would have thought there would be a Beauty Contest on Capitol Hill? No, they didn’t walk the runway or change from evening gowns to skimpy bikinis, but The Hill newspaper somehow managed to select the top 50 beautiful people in Washington. I read the list and viewed all the photos twice and didn’t see Hillary’s name or photo. Hillary even wore a blouse that showed cleavage according to Tim Russert on Meet the Depressed to show she was womanly, but it didn’t impress The Hill.
Rep. Brad Ellsworth was #1 on the list. Nancy Pelosi was #4. I guess those thousands of dollars for plastic surgery, botox injections and whatever else self indulgent people do, paid off. Poor Hillary couldn’t make the top 50. I guess The Hill isn’t into pear shaped females or expressions that could kill from 50 feet. This is just more evidence that Bill is not particular when it comes to women. He’ll do any women he can. They say the homely ones make better wives because they are so grateful. I think that is cruel and mean-spirited. What do they say about homely men, nothing. Not fair…
It is up on the front page, above the fold, with the relevant political news. Yeah, I would place it as equally important as world peace, and the war on terror, wouldn’t you? Hey, beautiful politicians are hard to come by, so give them their proper respect.
O.K., everyone sing now, “There he is, Mr. America, There he is, My ideal.”
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*Martha's Way* Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. |
*Maxine's Way * Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway! |
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To
keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag
with the potatoes.
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Buy
Hungry Jack mashed potato mix,
keep it in the pantry for up to a
year.
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When
a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any
white mess on the outside of the
cake.
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Go
to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for
you.
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If
you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still
cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the
excess salt for an instant
"fix-me-up."
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If
you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I
made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it
tastes!"
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Wrap
celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator
and it will keep for weeks.
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Celery?
Never heard of it!
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Brush
some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to
yield a beautiful glossy
finish.
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The
Mrs Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing
egg whites over the crust so I
don't.
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Cure for
headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go
away.
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Take
a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and
drink!
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If
you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes
opening jars easy.
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Go
ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for
you.
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Don't
throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
for future use in casseroles and
sauces.
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Leftover
wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!! |
