36 posts tagged “humor”
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts…
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter. "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back..."Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is St. Peter. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for them. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a few of days. What d'ya say?"
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
However, two days later... St. Peter got a call.
"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these guys. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."
________________________________________________________________________
One day God was looking down at
earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. So He called one of
His angels to go to
earth for a time. When he returned, he told God,
"Yes, it is bad on
Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are
not" God thought for a
moment and said,
"Maybe I had better send down another angel to get
a second opinion." So God called another
angel and sent him to earth for a
time too. When the angel returned he went to God
and said, "Yes,
it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are
misbehaving, but 5% are being
good." God was not pleased. So He decided to
e-mail the 5 % who were
good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little
something
to help them keep going. Do you know what the
e-mail said?
No?
Okay, just checking with you. I didn't get one either...
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest asked.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you," said the lady.
The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, "Frank! Put the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!"
I found this short story on Yahoo about a guy named Tim Patch, who calls himself Pricasso because he paints with his prick. No lie, his prick. There are just too many visuals that are running through my head to write coherently, so forgive me. The article said he had painted many famous people including Bush and the Queen of England. I wonder if they sat for their painting or he just painted them when he was horny.
At least we know he is Bi-sexual. Does he take Cialis to get that 4 hour erection? I wonder how long his paintbrush is…
How can anyone keep a straight face and watch him paint?
Does he paint fast and hard or slow and easy? or both? What happens if
the paint dries on his prick? Has he ever painted a self-portrait of
him painting? Did he enhance his paintbrush, just a little? If he
paints a lot is he getting callouses on his paintbrush? How does he
paint eyelashes on faces with eyelashes being so fine? Is his
paintbrush that tiny? With all the movement required with painting,
what does he do when he reaches a climax? Or, is that his signature?
I can’t stop laughing, so I will leave the rest of the remarks in the capable hands of my readers. I’m sure all of you can come up with some goodies.
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and
78?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
Mexico Drops Out Of Olympics
President Felipe Calderón of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics.
He said that, "Any countryman who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he
saw two Mexican men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to
stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed
you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other
poor man he stated, "You come with us, too."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also
have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to
the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of
us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high
Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado .. and off
they are whirled to the land of OZ
. They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great
Wizard.
.
"What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"
.
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said:
"I've come for some courage."
.
" No Problem! said the Wizard. Who's next?" ..
George Herbert Walker Bush stepped forward,
"Well, I think I need a heart."
. "Done! says the Wizard. Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"
. Up stepped George Walker Bush and said, "I'm told by the American
people that I need a brain."
.
"No problem! said the Wizard.
Consider it done." .
.
Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say
a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "Well, what do you want?"
.
.
. . "IS DOROTHY HERE?"
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1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
.
2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut
door.
.
3. Open door and remove cat from closet.
.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
.
6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons,
scissors, labels, etc. . .
.
7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping
strategy to be formed.
.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the
drawer since last visit and collect string.
.
9. Remove present from bag.
.
10. Remove cat from bag.
.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
.
13. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
.
14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
.
15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the
paper.
.
16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the
present came in.
.
17. Place present on paper.
.
18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't
reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.
.
19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent
sticky tape.
.
20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape
from cat with pair of nail scissors.
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21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
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22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve
ribbon.
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23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
.
24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's
enthusiastic ribbon chase.
.
25. Repeat steps 17-24 until you reach last sheet of paper.
.
26. Decide to skip steps 17-21 in order to save time and reduce risk of
losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the
right size for sheet of paper.
.
27. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
.
28. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
.
29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked
room.
.
30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to lay out paper
and materials.
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31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and
relock.
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32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear
cat from outside door)
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33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small
area of the toilet, but do your best)
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34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt
through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper.
Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year
as well.
.
35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to
make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
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36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with
sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst
areas.
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37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on
completing a difficult job.
.
38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
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39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious
conclusion.
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40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
.
41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.
.
1967: Long hair
2007: Longing for hair
1967: KEG
2007: EKG
1967: Acid rock
2007: Acid reflux
1967: Moving to California because it's cool
2007: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1967: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1967: Seeds and stems
2007: Roughage
1967: Hoping for a BMW
2007: Hoping for a BM
1967: Going to a new, hip joint
2007: Receiving a new hip joint
1967: Rolling Stones
2007: Kidney Stones
1967: Being called into the principal's office
2007: Calling the principal's office
1967: Disco
2007: Costco
1967: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1967: Passing the drivers' test
2007: Passing the vision test
1967: Whatever
2007: Depends
